I'm not a Squealer but...

• Dear FBI: Send me a picture of the electric chair. I've never seen one. There aren't any on my block.
    *   *   *   Johnny S. - Boston, Massachusetts
• To The FBI: I'll bet you never heard of me. I am Newton J., a private eye who likes to drink malted milks. Malted milks give private eyes extra strength. Now you know all about me. Next time you think of malted milks, think of Newton Jeffrys, private eye.
    *   *   *   Sincerely, Newton J. - Honesdale, Pennsylvania
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I hope I spelled your name right, Well, let's get down to the point. You know how kids have big ideas and I have a big one. I have started a small Police Force and we have been at it for a long time. We haven't caught anyone yet. We haven't caught anyone because there are no big crooks around here. They are all small fish. Now here is my idea. If the FBI could send some big crooks here, we could go after them. The bigger they are, the more we would like it. Then our small police force could practice on these crooks and then we will be ready for the ten most wanted, if they ever dare show their face into Levittown.
    *   *   *   Your pal, Mickey K., Age 11
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I am sending you this dollar and I would like you to tell me if it is real or counterfeit. You see my cousin David gave it to me because he owed me a dollar for a year but I want you to check it because I don't trust him much. If it is real, please send it back because I need it.
    *   *   *   Your friend, Bobby B. - Southfield, Michigan
• Dear Sir: I would appreciate all the information you could send me about vice. I don't know much about it.
    *   *   *   Thanks, Greg B. - Detroit, Michigan
• Dear FBI: I am Herbie. My grandma hit me. Do you have any handcuffs that will fit old ladies?
    *   *   *   Herbie Z. - Orange, Calif.
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I am 16-1/2 and someday I will get married and that is why I am writing to you. How can a girl be sure that the man she is going to marry is not the criminal type? You could fall in love with a man who you think is very good and then find out he is secretly a big crook. Then it is too late. Does the FBI have any crook test for future husbands?
    *   *   *   Sincerely, Harriet K. - Jackson, Miss
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I want to be the FBI man in charge of getting crooked girls.
    *   *   *   Yours, Walter K. - Fishkill, New York
• Dear FBI: I have just started a secret club. I am President. Nobody knows when our secret club meets. Not even the members. It is top secret.
    *   *   *   Doug J. - Enterprise, Alabama.
• Dear Sir: Please send me the names of all wanted criminals. My main interest is to maybe capture one of them and to get a reward to pay for college. We are very poor and I want to get some reward money so I can go to college. Could you also tell me how much you pay for each wanted criminal as I do not want to catch one that isn't worth much.
    *   *   *   Sincerely, Mark J. - Tilden H.S., Brooklyn
  P.S. Only send the names of the ones you will pay for. I don't want to catch any worthless criminals.
• Dear FBI: I would be great for the FBI because I am always on the alert, I never fall asleep. You could really call me the wide awake kid.
    *   *   *   Your pal, Terry J. - Los Angeles, Calif.
• Dear Sirs: Would you please send me information on these these things. 1. All the information possible on the underground work. 2. What age do you have to be to join the FBI underground agents? 3. What do you have to know to be an FBI underground agent? 4. Do FBI underground agents get any fresh air and sunshine?
    *   *   *   Respectfully, Brad B. - South Amboy, New Jersey
• Dear Mr. Hoover: When I grow up I am going to be an FBI agent. My girl friend thinks I should be a doctor. I have decided to get a new girl friend.
    *   *   *   Your fan, Leroy A. - Toledo, Ohio
• Dear FBI: I would like your opinion on this question. What is better? To shoot first and then ask questions, or to ask questions and then shoot? In my opinion, it is better to shoot first, because you live longer.
    *   *   *   Sincerely, Bruce P. - Anderson, Indiana
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I know that the FBI has a lot of police dogs but you never had a police cat. My cat, Butch, should be the first police cat. He is very tough and not scared of anything--even dogs. If you had a police cat like Butch, you would fool all the crooks because they wouldn't suspect that a cat is working for the FBI. If you want to try Butch, write to me.
    *   *   *   A fan of the FBI, Diane A. - Monroeville, Pa.
• Dear Mr. Hoover: Who makes better FBI agents? Women or police dogs?
    *   *   *   Jilted, - Reading, Pa.
• Dear Mr Hoover: In my opinion the FBI should use only pigeons to send secret messages. Pigeons are more reliable than airplanes or people. They don't crash like airplanes or talk too much like people.
    *   *   *   Best wishes, Mitzi G. - Freeport, Long Island
• Dear FBI: Could you please tell me how I can get into the Mafia? I have heard a lot about this club.
    *   *   *   Your friend, Jerry S., - San Francisco, Calif.
• Dear FBI: I have an idea for the FBI. When an FBI agent is in a foreign country he could signal another agent by taking a red handkerchief out of his pocket and blowing his nose three times. It is a good signal except if an agent has a bad cold and sneezes too much.
    *   *   *   Your friend, Donald W. - Turlock, Calif.
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I would like to get an alias. My name is Milton.
    *   *   *   Your friend, Milton K., - New York
• To Whom It May Concern: I have to do some detective work and I need some equipment. You see some of my brother's money was stolen probably by one of my sister's friends but I don't know which one. I think fingerprinting is my answer. Could you please advice me on what to do and maybe supply me with some equipment. I think I know which one did it but I want to make sure before I call you in to take over the case.
    *   *   *   Yours, Jimmy K. - Bronx, N. Y.
• Dear Mr. Hoover: I was wondering if you had any information about such people as "Baby Face" Nelson, John Dillinger, George Kelly, the expert machine gunner, "Pretty Boy" Floyd and "Ma" Barker. I am keeping a scrapbook about famous Americans and I already have information about Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln.
    *   *   *   Burt T. - Nashville, Tenn.
• Dear Mr: I want to join the FBI and catch a crook. I never caught anything except a turtle.
    *   *   *   your pal, John B. - Hollywood, Calif.
• Dear FBI: How strong do you got to be to be an FBI man? I can lick my sister but I never tried anybody else.
    *   *   *   Your friend, Mike W., Age 7 - Waltham, Mass.
• Dear FBI: Somebody stole my marbles. They cost 15 cents. Get him.
    *   *   *   Billy J. - New Haven, Conn.
  P.S. They are red, green and blue.